What a Difference a Week Makes

I grew up with a pool in my backyard. It was such a huge part of my childhood summers. Luckily, my sister Maureen and her family have a beautiful pool. When I thought about Desmond in the summertime, taking him to the pool in Braintree was the first thing that came to mind.

But before we threw him in the deep end, baby steps are in order. Time to fill up the kiddie pool!

Unfortunately, Des's first attempt was on a hot, cranky, 'DEVIL-HORNS-ARE-BURNING-THROUGH-MY-GUMS' teething kinda day. Hence...

Deanna is a brave woman for even attempting.

Needless to say that didn't go so well. But my dreams of having a pool baby were not dashed. We would not give up! One week later, and in a much better mood, we tried again.

Whoa whoa whoa

Wait... Is this the same stuff from tubby time?

Dude it is SO the same stuff! KICK-KICK-KICK-KICK.

So fun even mom had to join in:

The second time around was much better. He even went in the big pool! In mommy's arms of course. Lots of curiosity, splashing, and no tears. Hoorah!

Next steps... Swim lessons, olympic medals, endorsement deals, and early retirement for mom and dad. Dream big kids!

Summer Time

I can't believe it's already summer! I feel like I missed a good chunk of the year because it was spent at home with a newborn, sleeping and waking in 2-3 hour intervals. Days and nights were turned upside-down, oozed into eachother, and somehow months have gone by without my realizing.

And p.s. In two weeks, Desmond will be 6 months old. So uhh.. that's happening. Wow.

I missed a lot of what I love about summer last year because I was pregnant and pudgy and exhausted. There's also a good chunk I can't even remember due to that whole seizure-hospital stay fiasco. So this summer is going to be the Summer of Sarah!... and son. And. Soul mate? Tried to find a good s-word for Tony. Stony. That's it, I'm calling him Stony for the rest of the Summer.

Our plans for summer are always pretty much the same. Day trips, camping, beach, pool, family and friends, maybe an overnight here and there. Now that they include the little one, these adventures will be a little more complicated.

For example, this past weekend we took a trip down to my mom's house for a day at the beach and an overnight at her cottage. Here is how we packed the car for ONE DAY:

There was more in the back seat too.

We used to pride ourselves on our packing skills. We could take a single bag between the two of us for an overnight and be dandy, fly anywhere for a week or two with carry-on only. Those days are obviously long gone.

As are the days of bikinis (thank you, stretch marks) and spending all day on the beach with drink in hand. But that is a-okay with us. We seem to have more fun now on Desmond-time.





Our first trip to the beach was a success! Although by the time we got there, Des was hungry and in need of a nap. We fed him and tried to lay him in his beach tent, but with all the commotion around, he wasn't having it. Despite the slight crankiness, we got a couple hours in, were able to relax and laugh and soak in the perfect weather (with sunblock of course!). Every new experience comes with challenges, but they get easier each time.

This weekend will be more beach, pool, and fun in the sun with our little (and big!) family. Can't wait!!

The End of Nursing

Like I've mentioned before, breastfeeding has been one of the hardest aspects of being a new mom. And almost 5 months in, it continues to be a struggle.

Des and I had a good little rhythm going for a while. It took 6-8 weeks to really get it down. But then it was easy and calm and loving. I grew to truly enjoy that private time we had together as mother and son. At 3 months, I had to go back to work. I was pumping at work and nursing mornings/evenings. Weekends I would nurse all day like before. But the change to our schedules threw our feeding routine off, and Des started refusing me.

One day I popped open my shirt, he looked at the breast (or "the buffet" as it used to be called), turned his head and screamed his head off. Then he tore out my heart and stomped on it. And punched me in the face with his tiny fist. Seriously, a more hurtful rejection I cannot imagine.

Oh, I know he didn't mean it. A bottle is just easier. The boob involves work and time and skill... He was having none of it. This is what is known as a nursing strike. It can happen for a lot of reasons. Ours was caused by the drastic change in schedule, more bottle feedings, and mouth pain from teething. A perfect anti-boob storm.

For two weeks we tried to get him to latch again, exclusively pumping (EPing, as it's called in certain mommy internet circles) and bottle-feeding breastmilk in the meantime. We researched and pulled out all the tricks to get him back on the breast. As the days went on I tried less and less. What was once such a sweet, special time had become frustrating and emotionally painful.

One day Tony came in with Des and said, "He's hungry, do you want to try?" I sighed heavily and thought for a few minutes. I finally said, "Okay. But if it doesn't work, this is it." I needed to not be in limbo anymore. If it wasn't going to work I needed to commit to EPing and be okay with that.

So we tried. And amazingly... he latched. :-)

HALLELUJAH! The heavens opened, angels sang, bells chimed. It was like the first time in the hospital all over again. Joyful tears and proud daddy looking on. He had a full feeding and a big burp after, with that sleepy, satisfied look on his face. I was so excited to be nursing again; I looked forward to every feeding.

Unfortunately, that only lasted about 3 days and he was back to refusing the breast. Sigh... This time it was for good. I couldn't go through it all again. He was still getting the milk he needed, just from a bottle instead of directly from the breast. Really, it's not the end of the world. But at the time, I was devastated. And a part of me still is.

Even more devastating, due to having to rely on the pump, my supply depleted. I was making a little more than half of his daily intake. We had a freezer stash of 250+ ounces of breastmilk. In a matter of weeks, it was gone. And a few days after he turned 4 months, we gave him his first bottle of formula. Daddy gave it to him and I cried in the next room. Such dramatics, I know.. But it really hurt that I couldn't provide my son with everything he needed. Still does.

It's not the ideal situation. But I'm proud to say we made it to 4 months on breastmilk alone. He's a big boy and he's growing so fast. He needs to eat A LOT and I just couldn't keep up. Now he's on about 60% breastmilk, 40% formula... ish. And we'll be starting solids very soon. Every step comes with challenges. We're doing the best we can along the way.

And as my mom always says, "All you can do is the best you can do." I say that to myself almost every day. I'll pass it along to Desmond too.

4 months

4 months ago our lives changed forever. The moment Desmond came into the world was not just the birth of our son, it was the birth of our family and a new life for all three of us. I can't think of any other moment where there is such a tangible line between before and after. Everything is usually a process... It took us a while to finally realize we wanted to start trying, then there was the process of :ahem: conception, 9-10 months of baby cooking, hours of labor and pushing. And then.. BOOM. One second we were a happy couple holding hands through the pain of delivery, the next we became a family, all our arms full of eachother.

It's like the earth was rotating one direction our whole lives, and in that moment the world stopped and began rotating the other way.

Tony called me at work this morning to tell me our little boy rolled over. I saw it last week when he flung himself around in a frustrated fit to reach a toy. I grabbed my phone to call daddy and tell him of this great milestone. We cheered and laughed together. Oh how big our baby is getting.

He has two teeth poking through his bottom gums. You can see the faintest white dots. When they're bothering him, his fist never leaves his mouth and drool constantly oozes down his chin. Oh and the crying. The screaming, whining, wailing, and tears streaming. "Mommy, Daddy I'm in pain make it stop!" I would lay down my life to ease your pain, baby. But all you need is my knuckle to gnaw on. That helps for a short time.

He's finding his voice more and more. The sweet simple noises of "a-ghee" and "kkhoo" have turned into loud, lilting melodies from high to low and everything in between. It seems like every day he finds a new note. Here's his singing face:

Can you hear it?

God, If I had known how good it could be, we would have started a long time ago. And now I want 10 more. Tony is in trouble.

Smooching on my boy:

As daddy says, "You can't spell 'smother' without 'mother'." And I can't help myself!

Happy belated Mother's Day to all the mommas out there.

Nursery

Finally, a post going back to the original theme of the blog! The house. Obviously with the new addition on the way we had to think about where to put him. It was a no brainer to turn the office next to our bedroom into the nursery. Even though Desmond is now 3 months old, it's still not totally finished. I would like to paint something on the wall next to his crib, need some kind of toy box in there, a side table for the rocker, among other things. But it does the job. And it is now my favorite room in the house. It feels warm and fun and cozy. Lots of space to sit on the floor and play or to walk around rocking the baby to sleep. I definitely don't mind the hours I have to spend in there!

See the 'Before' pics in this previous entry.

Now:

Bed in the room for those early weeks when he was up every couple hours during the night. Although it was rarely used because he was sleeping in our room at that point, we still like it there just in case.


The rocker, on the other hand, is used all the time. Bookcases were a Craigslist find for super cheap.


This dresser/changing table was a hand-me-down from Tony's uncle. It was mostly unfinished with the drawers painted green. We painted it bright white and swapped the handles for some glass knobs that I LOVE.


I bought these prints off of Etsy before Desmond was even conceived.


Sweater Desmond wore home from the hospital, crocheted by my mother.


Blanket over the crib also crocheted by my mom. She's so talented.


Crib, a hand-me-down from my older sister. The bedding is blue, green, and brown fish. We had a matching mobile, but Des loved this one that was on his bassinet.


Closer look at the bedding, and the adorable thumb-sucker who sleeps in it.

So there it is, finally. Simple and cute.

Things I Thought I Knew

... but really, I had no idea. These are issues every new parent is warned about, but never truly understands until they are in the thick of it.

- The worry
News flash: Mom's worry. Story at 11! What I didn't realize is that the worry is CONSTANT. I even figured out a way to worry in my sleep, if that's possible. It's when I'm holding him, when he's napping, and when someone else has him. I worry about him bothering other people when he's fussy, and I worry about why he's fussy. Spitting up too much, not enough poops today, his head is too flat. Daycare, crawling, sticking his finger in a socket. First day of school, teen bullying, can't afford college. Anything, everything, and all at once. The best thing to do is to not stifle the worry, yet don't let it become all-consuming. Acknowledge it, accept it, and move on. And if it gets too much just punch it in the face. BAM!

- The laundry
I'm a freak of nature and actually enjoy doing laundry. I find it relaxing. That hasn't changed. But the drastic increase in volume is shocking, and the fact that it's caused by the addition of one tiny person to a household. Pre-baby, I would do 2-3 loads of laundry once every week or two. Nowadays I do about 3-5 loads every few days. It's due to the variety of baby fluids that we're all swimming in, and my newfound obsessive need to remove any dust and cat hair from all linens. Cuz OMG baby's hand is slightly reddish, it's a rash, he just touched that blanket, WASH IT! (See also: The worry)

- The importance of naps

I've finally sorta figured out Des's nap routine (which will now change tomorrow, I'm sure). They say for the first 4 months or so, they don't really have schedules. But Des is a great sleeper at night and has a pretty consistent nap schedule during the day. Unfortunately this week he developed a slight cough that was making it hard for him to stay asleep. So he kept missing or cutting short his long nap. Which made the rest of the day a nightmare for both of us. He wanted to be held constantly, so I paced the house carrying this 15 pound whining, whimpering mush in my arms for hours. As a result, I have scheduled a massage for this weekend. Momma needs it! And Desi needs his naps. Lesson learned.

- The love
The first few weeks I was in shock at this little squirmy, squeeling alien that appeared. I loved him to pieces, but it was a survival mission at that point. I don't know exactly when it happened, but now I can't stop kissing every inch of him. Tony pretends to speak for him, "Moooom, stoooop you're embarrassing meeee." But I can't help it. All his squeeks and smells and fluids... I can't get enough. He's like a drug. And then there's the smiles and coos... Ugh, my heart can't take it. It's all Desmond, my life, my love.


I don't even care how unflattering this photo of me is, that's how much I love him.

Note: Another Braintree baby is on the way! Congratulations to our friends Jeannie and Chris who are expecting their first in October! So so excited for you guys. :-)

Back to Work

The countdown to my return to work has begun. 13 days. Time to face reality. EPIC SIGH...

Being a working mom was always the plan. Financially, it's a necessity right now. We have a mortgage, 2 vehicles, among the many other expenses that come with being homeowners and new parents. We also enjoy taking vacations every year, a lifestyle we would love to maintain. And aside from the financial needs, I just never pictured myself as a stay at home mom. The infinite patience and 24/7 nurturing that is required of that job are qualities I have always lacked, admittedly.

I don't know if I just never gave myself enough credit, or if I grew a whole new side to my personality over the past 11 weeks, or if I'm just feeling the standard guilt of a new mom returning to work... or all of the above? But now I want nothing more than to stay home with my son. When I consider any other option my heart aches, like a gaping hole in my chest that I have to cover with my hands or my whole self will be sucked down into it. (Dramatic, huh? Not nearly dramatic enough, to be honest.)

This was not the case at week 4 or 5. At that time, I would wake up each morning, look at Desmond anxiously and think, "I will do my best to keep you alive today." Survival mode. For both of us. And then I'd feed him a few times, he'd nap here and there, we'd go for a walk, and 'Wow it's 5:00 and daddy's home? We did it, Des! We are alive and fed and sorta clean and mostly sane!' Rinse and repeat.

Now I wake up each morning, look at Desi and think, "What are we gonna do today, best buddy? I know! Let's eat and take naps and maybe go for a walk!" On big days we go to Target or to the mall. There's a general simple routine. Yet every day is exciting and fun and happy. There is nothing I lack. My heart is full, overflowing even. And then daddy gets home and the day just gets better! Life is amazing.

Two more weeks of this. I will soak in every second.

Just as I've adjusted to Life As Mom, I will adjust to working again. It may take several weeks and many tears, but I'll get there. And I'll wake up each morning thinking, "Today I will do what's best for our family." I hope I can.


I helped make this guy. I can do anything.