The countdown to my return to work has begun. 13 days. Time to face reality. EPIC SIGH...
Being a working mom was always the plan. Financially, it's a necessity right now. We have a mortgage, 2 vehicles, among the many other expenses that come with being homeowners and new parents. We also enjoy taking vacations every year, a lifestyle we would love to maintain. And aside from the financial needs, I just never pictured myself as a stay at home mom. The infinite patience and 24/7 nurturing that is required of that job are qualities I have always lacked, admittedly.
I don't know if I just never gave myself enough credit, or if I grew a whole new side to my personality over the past 11 weeks, or if I'm just feeling the standard guilt of a new mom returning to work... or all of the above? But now I want nothing more than to stay home with my son. When I consider any other option my heart aches, like a gaping hole in my chest that I have to cover with my hands or my whole self will be sucked down into it. (Dramatic, huh? Not nearly dramatic enough, to be honest.)
This was not the case at week 4 or 5. At that time, I would wake up each morning, look at Desmond anxiously and think, "I will do my best to keep you alive today." Survival mode. For both of us. And then I'd feed him a few times, he'd nap here and there, we'd go for a walk, and 'Wow it's 5:00 and daddy's home? We did it, Des! We are alive and fed and sorta clean and mostly sane!' Rinse and repeat.
Now I wake up each morning, look at Desi and think, "What are we gonna do today, best buddy? I know! Let's eat and take naps and maybe go for a walk!" On big days we go to Target or to the mall. There's a general simple routine. Yet every day is exciting and fun and happy. There is nothing I lack. My heart is full, overflowing even. And then daddy gets home and the day just gets better! Life is amazing.
Two more weeks of this. I will soak in every second.
Just as I've adjusted to Life As Mom, I will adjust to working again. It may take several weeks and many tears, but I'll get there. And I'll wake up each morning thinking, "Today I will do what's best for our family." I hope I can.
I helped make this guy. I can do anything.