Time Away

Hi.

I know. It's been a while, huh.

Here, allow me to distract you with this adorable side-eye from my kid:


Esscuse me? Where you been, guuurl?

So the job transition is consuming a lot of my time, obviously. I was away for a week and now I'm settling into the new role, new office, and new (much longer and more soul-sucking) commute. It's a lot. I haven't had a chance to browse any of my regular blogs, nevermind actually update my own.

Being away earlier this month was :gasp: not as bad as I expected. The build up was much worse than the trip itself. I nearly gave myself a panic attack the night before. The kind of anxiety when you can't feel your hands and one of them contorts into a claw? Maybe my sister's the only one who would understand the claw thing. Anyway, it was rough.

But then I got there. And I was like, "Okay, I'm here. For 5 days. Let's do this and then go home." I dove head first into the trainings (yawn) and networking events (ugh) and team dinners (meh) like my life depended on it. I was so distracted I didn't have time to dwell on how much I missed home.

I'd talk to Des on speaker phone every morning and get frequent updates from Tony. Apparently Des was a superstar all week, not a tear or tantrum in sight. Ahem. God bless my husband for knowing exactly what to keep secret.


This is me on the window sill of my hotel room, all, "Ok. So. What do I do now?" Solo traveler extraordinaire, I am not.

I should have taken a picture of the hotel bed. Holy ess, it was like a cloud in heaven and the comforter was like a hug from angels. That bed made the whole thing worth it.

There were even moments of the trip when I actually had... :looks around:... fun. SHH! Don't tell.

Like when we had a lovely low key dinner here:

Prior to which I attempted a field goal, threw footballs through tires, and generally one-upped the alpha males as I tend do in these type situations. It happens sometimes. Ask Tony.

Then there was that one night when I hung out with this guy:


You don't need details. But it was basically a flashback to my early 20's. A fabulous, hilarious horror show. Unfortunately I'm actually in my early 30's and I don't bounce back as easily from mechanical bulls. Ow.

So that trip is over. I have another coming up in November. And potentially more work travel in the future for both me and Tony. So please pardon me as we all get settled into this new life. I will not abandon this blog entirely, but udpates may come in spurts. Time is of the essence these days. And the precious free moments I get are usually spent like this:


He's a great lap cuddler. And god did I miss him.

Road Block?

So things are... hmm. Going.


At least this guy is keeping me going.

Just to put it all out there, I'm facing some tough times at work. I know, I hate talking about work here. Isn't that Blogging 101? Don't cross the streams? Total protonic reversal, and all that. I won't go into details. But the gist is, I may or may not have a job in a few weeks. And it's stressing me out. Big time. Like, if I run my hand through my hair I'll pull out a clump, kinda stress. Also I may have lost 40-50% of my eyelashes. Needs me some falsies STAT.

Everyone's all, 'Whatever happens happens,' 'It's out of your hands,' 'Don't get stressed about things you can't control.' And I'm all puking in the corner thinking about mortgage payments and college funds and career paths and commutes from hell. They mean well. And I'm not scoffing at those words of wisdom like "You don't know my LYFE!" They're totally right. But it doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm spiraling down a hole, grasping at the sides with my fingernails.

This could be a totally awesome turn of events. I just have no idea. And I HATE not knowing what's going to happen next. Don't ever try to throw me a surprise party or I'll claw your eyes out. If not right at that moment, then in your nightmares. It's a promise. So basically yeah, surprises aint my thing.

With this potential road block/opportunity/who-the-hell-knows, I have hit a blogging wall. I'm having trouble digesting food, never mind thoughts and ideas into words that make sense to the web.

Every once in a while I'll get a blog entry ex machina (not even the right way to use that phrase, but I love it so suck it), like finding the ring. But mostly I've been opening a new entry to stare at a blank screen for a while. Then I go to People.com and Perez Hilton. And Pinterest to get lost for a few hours looking at pretty things. Did you know that the internet is full of distractions?!

As my thoughts are consumed with work worries, anything that requires an ounce of thought or creativity is eclipsed. I'm just going through the motions. Watching a million hours of Harry Potter. Doing laundry, dishes, anything to keep my hands occupied and my mind hushed.

It's like my falling hair is clogging the sink drain of inspiration. Deep, dude. That's so something I would have written on my notebook in high school.

The good news is that Des is on a major Mama kick. Just when I need it most. Despite the aforementioned anxieties, we ARE enjoying this beautiful summer.





He makes me laugh so much. And smile like it's plastered on my face.


Ridiculous joy. Worries magically gone.

I'll try to keep you posted, as much as I can. But don't blame me for being sparse. Blame The Man, man.

Post-holiday Slam Fest

There was a nice little lull there for a while. Sure the holidays are busy, but at least it doesn't feel like I'm being pulled in every direction. Now the post-holiday SLAM is in full effect. Between being crazy busy at work, caring for an almost 1-year-old, planning a big bday bash for an almost 1-year-old, swim classes, doctor appointments, not sleeping at night (me, not Des)... It's gonna be a busy month it seems. I'm apologizing right now if the blog is lacking, both in frequency and content. I'm going to try to keep it up. I have much to say.

Just when I think the day can't get any crazier, I get a visitor at the office:



And all is right with the world.

Thank you dear husband and beautiful son for being the bright spot in my crazy days.

Balance

I've become slightly obsessed with time lately. The passing/wasting/general usage of it. It's quickness and sometimes it's painful slowness. Most of all I've struggled with the balance of time, specifically when it comes to work and family.

On a typical day, I spend 9-10 hours at work (including commute) and less than 3 hours with my son. Does that figure punch you right in the face, or is it just me?

Let's do some delving.

Des wakes up at 6am and I leave for work at 7:45am. In that hour and 45 minutes, Des has to be changed, dressed, fed, get all his stuff ready for daycare, and there's usually a few minutes left over for some play time. Both Tony and I have to get dressed and ready also. This is not a huge factor, as I usually just throw some clothes on, toss my hair up in a ponytail, and finish my make-up when I'm stuck in traffic. Fashion Police and Massachusetts State Troopers, avert your eyes.

I get home from work at around 5:45pm. Des goes to sleep between 6:30-7pm. That's an hour and 15 minutes I get to spend with him after work.

You still with me, people?

That comes out to a total of 3 hours a day I get to spend with my baby, best case scenario. It's usually less. Some days I have to be in work early, some days I stay late.

Take yesterday, for example.

Lastnight I attended dinner with work folks. I was not super pscyhed about it, but the big bosses were going, and I had cancelled a couple times in the past so I felt obligated. Plus it's a free meal at a nice restaurant. I got the lobster mac 'n cheese, and it was heaven. That beats a tuna sandwich on semi-stale bread any day.

The problem with this scenario is that I wouldn't be home until well after Desmond's bed time. So I would see him in the morning before I left for work, and then not again until the next morning when he woke up.

OMG is he even going to remember me??

I cried on the drive to dinner, god help me. I called Tony who was feeding Des at the time. He put me on speaker so I could yell ridiculous things in baby talk (OOJA BOOJA) and Des stared at the phone. Tony tickled him so I could hear him laugh. And I just about lost it.

I know, I know. It was ONE DAY. And some people have it much worse. Some have jobs that require extensive travel (I can't imagine), or work at places who aren't flexible with time off for family (thankfully my company is).

But if my situation is one of the better cases, how are people OKAY with this?? Shouldn't this all be the other way around? Are society's priorities effed up, or are mine?

I know I just have to learn to deal with it. Such is life, right? If you want to live in this part of the country, own a home, and have a family, two incomes are almost always necessary.

Oh and friends? It's amazing I see them EVER. I love them dearly, but social gatherings have plummetted down the list of priorities at this point, under work, baby, husband, family, and sleep. I have tried to make it a point to get out at least once a month to have cocktails with adults and discuss grown-up things like the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Ohh that Camille is a piece of a work, huh?

I'm still learning how to balance it all. Sometimes I feel like as soon as I have something down, the universe adds a little bit more sand to the other side of the scale, throwing everything off. Part of life is learning how to adapt to constant changes. Basically, I need to do more yoga.

And looka that, Desmond grew another inch? Off to Target for new pants! That's kinda like yoga.

Ugh. Work.

Is. In. SANE. In the membrane.

But right now my boys are at home. Looking like this, I imagine:

I get to go home to these people every day. Life is not bad.

Back to Work

The countdown to my return to work has begun. 13 days. Time to face reality. EPIC SIGH...

Being a working mom was always the plan. Financially, it's a necessity right now. We have a mortgage, 2 vehicles, among the many other expenses that come with being homeowners and new parents. We also enjoy taking vacations every year, a lifestyle we would love to maintain. And aside from the financial needs, I just never pictured myself as a stay at home mom. The infinite patience and 24/7 nurturing that is required of that job are qualities I have always lacked, admittedly.

I don't know if I just never gave myself enough credit, or if I grew a whole new side to my personality over the past 11 weeks, or if I'm just feeling the standard guilt of a new mom returning to work... or all of the above? But now I want nothing more than to stay home with my son. When I consider any other option my heart aches, like a gaping hole in my chest that I have to cover with my hands or my whole self will be sucked down into it. (Dramatic, huh? Not nearly dramatic enough, to be honest.)

This was not the case at week 4 or 5. At that time, I would wake up each morning, look at Desmond anxiously and think, "I will do my best to keep you alive today." Survival mode. For both of us. And then I'd feed him a few times, he'd nap here and there, we'd go for a walk, and 'Wow it's 5:00 and daddy's home? We did it, Des! We are alive and fed and sorta clean and mostly sane!' Rinse and repeat.

Now I wake up each morning, look at Desi and think, "What are we gonna do today, best buddy? I know! Let's eat and take naps and maybe go for a walk!" On big days we go to Target or to the mall. There's a general simple routine. Yet every day is exciting and fun and happy. There is nothing I lack. My heart is full, overflowing even. And then daddy gets home and the day just gets better! Life is amazing.

Two more weeks of this. I will soak in every second.

Just as I've adjusted to Life As Mom, I will adjust to working again. It may take several weeks and many tears, but I'll get there. And I'll wake up each morning thinking, "Today I will do what's best for our family." I hope I can.


I helped make this guy. I can do anything.